Witch and Donkey

Story inspired by the song "Ведьма и Осел" (Ved'ma I Osel) by Korol I Shut

"Ahhhh..." the witch sighs a long sigh, taking off her crooked black hat with a purple band. She holds it to her chest, looking hopelessly at the donkey in front of her. He looks at her with a smug, stupid, and mocking smile "Hee haw hee haw". "Shut up!" The witch shouts, throwing the hat at the animal. She falls back into the plush, onyx-coloured armchair with an utterly defeated look. She's a witch, so why can't she find the right spell to undo this mess?

A week ago her lover came back home drunk from a night out with friends. Of course, she wasn't invited, although she likes drinking even more than him. "It's a boys' night out, love!" he said. "I won't get drunk this time, I promise!" he also said. Both statements were a lie. Anoushka, the most beautiful girl in town, and her two friends joined them for drinks at the local tavern. They laughed and drank lots of vodka. Chernysh told her everything. She sends him to follow Ivan because she needs to make sure the evil spirits don't curse her man. The gypsy woman at the fair last year warned her about truly falling in love. She must be careful with her partner, or he will be taken away from her and turned into a donkey.

When the man stumbled through the door alongside the first rays of sun, Galina was waiting for him by the door, arms crossed over her chest, eyes burning with anger. He's never seen her so angry before. She looked like the devil himself. Drunk and afraid, he stepped back, missing the step behind him and started rolling down, landing in the mud.

"You lied to me! You don't love me! Stupid man, you lied to me again!" she began shouting at him. "You never bring me flowers; you forget my birthday and our anniversaries; you always leave a mess behind you! I've told you a million times to leave your dirty shoes at the door, but you always bring dirt and dust into my kitchen. You never listen to me, do you?" She kept on going, bringing up all his wrongdoings from the day he was born until the present and even after that.

Poor Ivan could not even get up from the puddle of mud. It was as if the words of the witch were daggers stabbing him, making him cuddle up like a scared dog.

The sun was already up when she ended her long chain of reproaches with a cryptic, unintelligible phrase in a demonic voice booming straight from the depths of the 9th circle of hell, a chorus of devils screeching and shouting. And then a thick blanket of silence covered the forest. For a moment the landscape was still, frozen and the witch was like a statue.

Ivan finally dared look up, but when she eyed him from above, towering like a marble gargoyle, she did not see the face of the man she loved so much. No, she saw an ugly wet snout covered in white fur. The snout began growing, harsh grey fur like a wire brush sprouted from his every pore. His gentle dark brown eyes drifted apart. His ears, elongated and shifted upwards, were now covered in the same grey fur that was slowly enveloping his entire body. His fingers and toes merged into a dark and solid keratinous mass and a thin tail with a small tuft of black strands at the end sprouted from his backside.

She watched in disbelief as her lover was turned into an ass, and not the cute kind children play with, no, an ugly sickly dirty and stocky donkey who couldn't even get up by himself. She did nothing but stare as the poor animal stumbled like a newborn calf, splattering mud all over himself. Once he managed to plant his hooves firmly into the marshy ground below, he tried to say something but all that came out was a throaty "Hee haw". Confused, he looked around at his legs and body. Realization hit and he started jumping around, hitting the air with his hind legs, sprinkling mud everywhere. Like a rabid tornado, he dashed around and crashed into the witch, sending her over the metal railing of the stairs, headfirst into the nightshade shrub.

Chernysh overlooking the situation from atop his soft pillow on the windowsill began laughing heartly. Donkey-Ivan calmed down, and Galina got up from the bush.

"What are you laughing at stupid cat! You're next if you don't shut up!"

She turned at the sound of hooves clinking on stone, glancing at the animal going up the stairs. "What do you think you're doing?! Don't bring all that mud into my house, Ivan!" But he didn't care, he passed the doorframe and waltzed into the hallway. "What am I going to do…?" she exclaimed desperately, throwing her hands up at the sky, almost pleading God for an answer.

After that cursed day, she had no choice but to care for the donkey. Clearly, he understood everything she said and was still the same Ivan she loved under the guise of an ass. She looked through every book she owned, be it about metamorphosis or not, in hopes of finding the smallest hint, a faint trail of hope. She even asked her friends, Baba Yaga[1] and the Iele[2]. None of them knew exactly, they stammered a bit and gave her different potions and ointments to try. That's what she was doing earlier, rubbing a putrid dark green mixture on the donkey's back, hoping it would fix the issue. But no matter how hard she rubbed or how much cream she covered the dark grey fur with, nothing happened. The ass just smelled worse than usually.

Ivan accepted his faith, and as the days went by, he became more and more complacent in his new form. He was slowly losing his will and thus his humanity and Galina noticed. As a final attempt, she decided to go back to the same gypsy woman that issued her warning.

It was not others who stole her love from her, but herself. She understood now the foolishness of her actions and saw her own flaws more clearly. Ivan was just a stupid man, but she knew he loved her dearly and there was no reason to get so mad at him on that faithful night. Anoushka would not even bat an eye at her man, she only likes Americans. But for Galina, Ivan was perfect.

She got out her magic crystal globe from the wooden chest beneath her bed and dusted it off with the bottom of her dress. It hadn't been used in years, and she struggled to cast the incantation, tripping over her words. On the third attempt, the globe lit up with a blinding blue flash which died down to reveal the location of the gypsy caravan. It was at the end of the woods on the outskirts of the nearest town.

She grabbed her broom and dashed out the door yelling "I'll save you, Ivan! The gypsy woman must know the cure!", but Ivan was sleeping soundly on the carpet next to the fireplace and only let out a loud snore in reply. Hopping on the broom, she leapt over the marble stairs leading to the entry, but to her dismay, she plummeted to the ground, face first into the icy ground.

"Oh right, the broom needs to be taken to the mechanic…" Galina exclaimed while dusting herself off. She didn't know how long the woman would be there. You know the gypsies, they're always on the run, hopping from place to place without any warning. They go along with the wind and leave burnt grass behind, so she must hurry to catch them.

"Ivan! Ivan! Wake up!" she shouted as she vigorously shook the donkey. "We need to go to the gypsy woman! Now!" He didn't show any signs of waking up, so she wiggled around her short and crooked tree branch and the animal was lifted above the ground and yanked out the door in the cold. "Hee haw!", he exclaimed confused, shaking himself.

Wasting no time, she quickly jumped on his back and lightly slapped him to make him move. He began walking slowly towards the town. "No Ivan, you must go faster!" she implored the donkey. Taking pity on the witch, he sped up slightly, but his legs were short and stubby so he couldn't move much faster.

At the break of dawn, they arrived at the entrance to the woods. Invan collapsed, and no matter how much Galina begged him to get up, he refused. Desperate times call for desperate measures, so she offered him a mysterious amber-coloured oval shaped rubbery treat. He smelled it cautiously, looking at her with puzzled human eyes. The witch encouraged him to take it, and once the donkey swallowed it, he sprang to his feet and started levitating. Galina grabbed onto his fur and pulled herself on his back as he flew over the tall evergreen pines towards the caravan.

Not being used to flying, the donkey landed harshly, crashing into a tent and destroying a wheelbarrow full to the brim with cabbages. "Nooo my cabbages!!" the agonized scream of an old and raisined man could be heard from a distance. Galina paid no attention and dashed through the tents to the gypsy witch. Her tent was a velvety red adorned with golden stars, and once she reached it, she burst in, stumbling over the carpet.

"Fortune teller, you warned me about falling in love and now the worst came true, my lover has been turned into a donkey! Help me turn him back!" Galina pleaded. The woman was sitting at a short wooden table covered in purple velvet. Coins and trinkets were laying around as she was looking into the bottom of a coffee cup. Three tarot cards were facing her: The Fool, Six of Wands and The Lovers. The woman did not look up.

"Poor woman, she's a witch but can't find the right spell. What use is her power then? Was selling your soul to the devil worth it?" she laughed mockingly. "I am but a mortal fortune teller, but you beg for my help. Be warned, there is always a price to pay!". She motioned Galina to kneel in front of the table and took her palms in her own. She muttered something incomprehensible. Cleaning up the table, she brought out a sachet, a banana, and a red string.

"You must go to a crossroad and leave these walnut shells sprinkled on the ground around the sign. After this, you must go home and lock yourself in the basement for a day and a night. You are not allowed to eat or drink, and you must continuously chant "Convertat eum" while holding the banana which you wrapped three times clockwise with this string. Be sure to always have at least three white candles burning. Now go, don't bother me again."

"But what about the price?" Galina enquired.

"It will be paid, do not forget!" the woman said mysteriously.

And so, Galina collected the items from the table and headed out. She found Ivan eating the dusty cabbages he ran over earlier and hugged him dearly. "Love, I'm going to fix you!" she said with tears in her eyes. The ass looked at her, his eyes more human now than ever, filled with renewed hope.

The witch faithfully followed the steps needed for the spell. Ivan, confused but hopeful, slept most of the day while she was locked in the basement. Chernysh, having no entertainment from neither the witch nor the donkey, decided to take a holiday from his job as the house cat and left to party in the city.

When Galina came out of the basement, she uttered no words. Slowly, she headed to the living room, where she expected Ivan to be, fear and excitement in full bloom in her heart. For a moment, she hesitated to open the door, pushing it slowly to reveal an empty room. The witch looked around everywhere but there was no sign of donkey nor man.

"Where could he be?" she thought. "Ah! The kitchen. Of course, I made pie yesterday. He must be there!"

And there he was, the man she loved. Naked and dirty, eating her pie with his hands, stuffing it in his mouth like the world was going to end any minute. She let out a joyous cry and rushed to hug him. Taken by surprise, Ivan dropped the pie to the floor. He let out a grunt and looked blankly at the woman.

"What is it, Ivan? Are you not happy to be back?"

"Hee haw" Ivan said, bending down to eat more pie.

Footnotes

[1] Baba Yaga, in Slavic folklore, is a supernatural being who lives in the woods and steals children.

[2] The Iele are feminine spirits that play tricks on the men who see them. They are part of Romanian folklore.